And Then

A few months ago a dear friend and I caught up on life’s new events. After a few drinks we started to discuss how people always want to know what is next in your life. These people can vary from our mothers, friends, distant aunts, and even strangers on the street. We came to the conclusion that there is societal pressure to know what is “next”.  People obviously mean well and care that’s why they ask right?

The dreadful “And Then” conversation usually goes something like this:

Incredibly Presumptuous but Well Meaning Person: “I heard you just started talking to someone are you official? How’s the sex?”

You: “Well we just met two weeks ago.”

IPWMP: “That’s great! Now that he’s your official boyfriend when are you going to put it on FaceBook, and when are you getting engaged?”

You: “Its only been a few months.”

IPWMP: “Congrats you just got engaged! When is the wedding? I need to know all the details. Dress? Color Scheme? Theme? Location? How big is your diamond? I need to know what I need to wear to the wedding! What should my mom wear? OMG I can’t wait to see the long list of people you aren’t inviting but I will tell them they ARE invited to make your life awkward as fuck.”

You: “We just got engaged last night.” (Begins to sweat)

IPWMP: “So… are you pregnant yet? I mean how many kids are you thinking? How long have you been trying?”

You: “It’s our wedding day. We have only been married for 3 hours.”

IPWMP: OH MY GOD YOU”RE PREGNANT!!! Was it natural? Was it IVF? Are you on fertility drugs? I need to know every single detail of when/how the baby was made! Was it romantic? Was it just a quick bang? How are you delivering? Vaginal? C-section? Whats the name? Gender? What’s the nursery decor? What kindergarten are they going to? Are you vaccinating? You know vaccines cause autism right? Jenny McCarthy says so. Where are you registered? Are you going to breastfeed? Dr. Oz says you have to or you’re not doing your best.”

You: “I just found out I was pregnant yesterday.” (Wants to cry because none of the questions asked have even registered.)

IPWMP: “When are you trying for another? Do you want more? I mean you have to plan so you can pay for their college. They need siblings. You don’t what to have spoiled only child. They need siblings so they aren’t socially awkward. Are you going to adopt your next baby? What country are you thinking? Ethiopia is corrupt in their adoption process. CNN had a story about one family that went wrong. Plus Asian babies are so cute.  Did your c-section hurt?”

You: “I just delivered an hour ago and can’t comprehend what you are saying because my epidermal hasn’t worn off. I’m high as shit.”

IPWMP: “When are you going back to work? Are you getting your masters?”

You: Thinking about your wine dependency and the transition into becoming a recluse.

*Fast forward 40 years.

IPWMP: “When are you going to drop dead?”

You: You finally drop dead and it stops.

After writing this I thought of a random clip from the movie Dude Where’s My Car? Ashton, Stiffler, and crew pull up to the ordering window and this happens:

So my point is keep mindful and just let people live their lives the way they want. I know I will keep this in mind with my little ones as they grow older.

NO AND THEN!

Cheers,

B

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Things to stop saying to twin moms.

1. “Oh my gosh! You got two for the price of one.”

I sheepishly smile at you and pretend you are hilariously creative and witty.  Inside I am suppressing the twitch my body has involuntarily started to form from hearing this so many times.

2. “C-Section right? There’s no way it was a natural birth!”

It was a C-Section, but it is none of your god damn business.  You are a stranger. I am sure you would feel uncomfortable talking to a stranger about what has happened to your reproductive organs and vagina in any context.

3. “Do twins naturally run in your family?”

You’re asking me if I had fertility help in a nice way aren’t you? I know this but you are too polite to come out and say it, yet too ballsy for your own good.

4. “My sister has a friend who has a niece that had twins.”

Or always some variation of this.  Someone always has to say how they obscurely know someone who has had twins. Twin moms really don’t care who you know who has twins. Well almost, we care if it is someone from the list below which I like to call the Holy Trinity (All actual twin moms).

The Holy Trinity of Twin Moms:

In the name of the….

Mother: Jennifer Lopez

Daughter: Sarah Jessica Parker

and the Holy Spirit: Angelina Jolie

We pray for Julia Roberts our Bishop and Ricky Martin our Pope

Amen.

With that said being a twin mom is something that only few of us gain rite to. Bring on the bullshit chit-chat because having these two are the best!

Cheers,

B